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Muck Stuck


Many words of wisdom have reached my ears, and unfortunately many have become lost in the fog that is my memory. One phrase, however, has faithfully popped back in my mind during times of increased stress and trouble.

Claire, sometimes when you’re stuck in the muck, you just gotta sit in it.

I still remember my reaction when I heard those words.


That can’t be right.

That doesn’t make sense…does it? Just sitting there?

How will I get out?!


And then, a sense of overwhelming peace and reassurance.

Wow, it’s so true. THANK YOU.

I didn’t know who I was thanking, and I still don’t. I do know, however, that meditating on this concept has brought me an exuberant (yes, exuberant) amount of confidence and inner peace.

Whether we want to believe it or not, we can’t possibly control every situation in our life. The amount of control we do have is based solely on our actions and reactions to what we experience. For instance, I may not be able to control the fact that our car is now completely useless. I can, however, control how I choose to see the situation.

Honestly, the situation has been pretty stressful to me. The whole reason we (my partner Raven and I) came back to Vermont was to pay off the car so we could travel without financial obligations. We’ve been having an unusually hard time finding means to make money, and not for lack of trying – I’ve diligently scoured craigslist, asked everyone I know (and don’t know) for any job opportunities they may know of, written a new resume, applied for jobs…you name it. Still, it didn’t matter. Weeks after weeks of searching to find pretty much nothing.

Then, three days ago, the entire car pretty much stopped working. The transmission went kaput, the alternator fell out, the belt wore down, the brakes were about to fail, and the supposedly “new” battery was about dead. The car went from working to useless in a matter of hours.

We were angry, we were scared, we were stressed, we were confused. There was plenty of yelling and crying to go around.

My first thought when encountering a breakdown (car, life, or otherwise) like this is almost always the same:

How can I get out of this situation?

I kind of see the situation as a puzzle to figure out, or a challenge to complete. Get things “back to normal”, and you’ll win.

Win what?

The answer was never clear.

Then, I realized that I was asking the wrong question entirely. The situation didn’t happen simply for me to try to escape it – like the good times, the bad times also exist for me to experience. Struggling in the muck will only further entrap me, bogging me down as I sink deeper into filth. But if I can just let it be and simply sit, focusing on my own inner peace instead of the outside stressors, it’ll be much easier to see the way out. Also, just throwing it out there – mud is not a bad or negative substance. It pulls the toxins out of our bodies, and even supports certain forms of life.

As Thich Naht Hahn said:



Today’s meditation:

How has “the muck” enriched your life?


Oh my!




I haven’t been posting much lately….the internet has been pretty hard to find, that bastard.

But I logged in this morning, and wow!

over 1,000 followers!

To be honest, I had no idea that people would actually want to read what I have to say…

thank you, readers, for helping make this possible =]

<3, Sug’



you can’t see it, but it’s there. 

stirring through my brain, whirring like

insane little machine men

maniacally screwing and drilling their way 

through every pore 

of my poor, overworked psyche. 


Man, there’s just so much…so many tales that I want to 

draw through my fingertips like

the deadliest black widow weaves her impermanent throne. 

I want, I NEED to write, but that silly


called the internet is so damn elusive, and 

for some crazed reason 

the thought of using and saving a Word

document steals the very inspiration from my synapses. 

Is this madness?

Are you madness?

These days, I just can’t tell.


oh, the words that flood the very crevices of my brain! Tales of 

robot chickens, inordinate bovine,

loss, gain, paranoia, strain

death and rebirth – yet again 

all in one, though there’s always that

lull of suspension

like the longest twilight

until once again,

I can

grasp the meaning of lungs and air

and just 


but the maniacal mechanical 

men must do their work,

organizing and tidying the messes of 

past days and 

shed ways of being, ways of 

identifying with you, me, and all the other

lunatics that dare listen to something other than


(which, unfortunately, makes more cents than sense).

Until then, I must stick to 

blips and beeps of meaning and seasons

that I used to know,

capturing the parts that make up the whole

so that I can present it all,

in a pretty little blogged package,

to those who care to read it. 



what happens –


when you run out of cool things to say?

when you’re overwhelmed with sensations of mediocrity?

when you feel like your life has reached a lull, even though

you know it’s all in your head?

when nothing’s enough anymore?

I know this pattern well –

restlessness, frustration,

invisible glass walls that muffle the 

annoyed ranting inside my head

(for no one else must know!)

should should should

hammering through my skull

why why why

the question that always haunts…

why can’t I?

why aren’t I?

most importantly, though,

what is enough to satisfy?

though I know the answer, my soul

is less than settled.

THIS. is enough. THIS. is everything.

it’s all in the moment, none more precious than the next

(says my head)

BUT NO! There’s always MORE!

(says my everything else)

I can’t wait…but

then again, i have no choice.

because, in reality,

there’s just no way to completely control

what happens. 


May the Fruit of the Womb Rejoice


Happy Mother’s Day! May the sun shine on Mother Earth and may the light of life shine on mothers everywhere :) Shoutout to my own mother, who is an extremely wonderful and hard-working woman! She doesn’t even GET a mother’s day because she has to work all day and night. I hope she knows that she’s incredibly loved <3 She’s certainly been through a lot trying to raise me and my siblings – I know I didn’t make it easy on her, especially through my teenage years. We had a lot of heart-to-heart talks through it all, though, and fortunately our relationship has strengthened a lot since I’ve gotten a bit more mature ;) She’s a strong, caring, loving, listening, and patient woman, and well-loved by everyone who knows her. If I grow up to be half as wonderful as she is, I’d be pretty proud.

To all those mothers out there….rock on, you’re a badass woman. I know I couldn’t be a mother, at least not in this stage of my life. It’s easy to mess up, takes waaaaay too much patience, and is a full-time job. Truth is, I’m probably just too selfish :P but that’s okay, because it’s a good excuse for not having kids. No one’s gonna argue with “well, I really just don’t want to spend all my time raising a kid – I’ve got other priorities.” It implies that I wouldn’t properly take care of a child if I did have one. And that’s not true, of course, but it keeps people off my back about it ;)

Anyway, this is supposed to be about mothers, not about how I don’t want to be one.  So all you kids out there, do somethin’ special for your momma today. Even if you think she sucks (and even if she does), she was a huge part of the reason you’re alive in this beautiful world. THAT, if nothing else, deserves appreciation.


*note* travel updates coming soon! I just need some time to sit down, breathe, and put my experiences into words. love and peace ^_^


[Photos not taken by me]

my momma, being carried by some hunky babe - aka one of her teammates during the Mud Run. She's more fit than I am, probably!

my momma, being carried by some hunky babe – aka one of her teammates during the Mud Run. She’s more fit than I am, probably!

more hunky babes, this time covered in mud. Jealous? I am! :P

more hunky babes, this time covered in mud. Jealous? I am! :P

look at that cute couple!

look at that cute couple!